i AM myself
I hate looking myself in the mirror,I hate knowing I have fear.
I hate seeing what isn't there,I hate feeling that I am scared.
I hate believing what isn't true,I hate believing and trusting you.
I hate crying myself to sleep,
Forgive me for I have dreams.
I feel left out and all alone,With no one to call my own.
My eyes are red and I cry blood,
Please help me or I'll cry a flood.
My friends see what I let them see,
If they only could see the true side of me.
And as I die inside with pain,
Please don't think that I'm insane.
Cause believe it or not I have a heart,
That's been slowly torn apart
Cant you see that i love you so?
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
cont...how time flies...
playin now - big big world...
i wonder if i have grown up after going thru so much...
after all the argueing n scolding i get at hm...
all the trash i get at cannoeing...
all the choices tat i've to make...
all tat i've cried over for...all tat i've thinking...
have i learnt my lesson?
i dunno...
sarah is giving up national...without her taking part is meaningless for mi...
i tot abt it for a long time b4 i decided to be selfish n ask her to stay...
but i feel tat she has already decided le...
i really dunno...
i hate making choices...
if i quit i think i'm being very iressponsible to the team n to myself...
but i have to be responsible to my studies rite...
after all tat is wat im aiming for in the A level....
haiz...recently i have finally took out the puzzel to complete it...
yes its all framed up now...
to think abt it i 've been ill treating it all tis while...
i hope the one who receives it will treat it well...
well...tis puzzel was bought at the begining of the yr with the tot of someone in mind....
but i guess i was too buzy to even get started with it...
it was nt completed on time....
when i finally got down to doing it...b4 it was even finished...i stop..cos busy again...
i think i shld have got the sign then...it was never meant to be done...
cos on several occasions...i was so angry or upset tat i smashed it....
eventually i picked up the pieces...n begin puttin them back again...
but yet again the same thing happend b4 it was completed...
as i sat down n started to piece everyhting...
i realised it wld never be the same again...
the feeling of doing was different...even when it was completed...
when i was told tat they were together...i dunno y...but i felt very sour...
n once again i refused to let tat feeling show..
i onli came to realise how little i meant to u...even after all tis time...i cld nt get over u....
seeing u n her at first i did nt think much abt it...
cos i believed in u...
but i didn't noe u got over it so fast....
i told myslef to forget abt it....its over...it will be history....
but seeing how much u do for her...n seeing her i haf to smile....
i dun even noe y i'm putting myself thru these miseries...
while doing the puzzel...many tots came back to mi...
it all seem to mi tat u were nt the kind of person i tot u were...
wat u have done juz crashed ur image tat i haf of u...
yes...tears of saddness juz fell...
is the sadness worth...
is the heartbreak worth...
are the tears tat i have shed worth...
it was nt meant to be...
it shld nt have even begin...
wat am i putting myself through...
haven't i done enuf harm myself....
am i nt being nice enuf....
dun all the plastic smiles count....
lastly is my confession....
i've some to realised onli how much u meant to mi after u left..
i let my pride rule mi...n i juz let u go by....
now it all too late to say all these...
u are gone n there is no way i can have u back by mi...
yes i regret y din i say smth to stop u then...
but now seeing tat u have moved on n found ur happiness...
maybe its time tat i put all the past behind....
time will heal...i hope its true...
time will heal....
the origin.11:09 PM
wednesday 31/5
its been a long time since i blog...there is juz so many things happening tat i have no time to even stop n take a break....
it been a long mth...n maybe a very difficult one...
there were the gp n maths common test to cope with...
haha..but thanks to all my peers like jy, daphne, amanda n pauline who helped mi a lot in maths...if nt i wold nt know how i can even pull thru...
thanks to all of u...
i know i can be kinda annoying whwn i have so many qns to ask...
tks to bearing with mi....
the maths ct results will be out tmr...afraid...yes i'm ..hopfully i can get a B at least...
then there is still hope for an A during the Alevels...haha
then tmr will have chemistry -gp-chem...
think can die la...
okay...let see...for the past 2 wks i've been mugging n mugging for maths till i'm scared of the tys now....then gor gp ..i wish myself all the best...
hopfully can past la....
yesterday went to watch da vinci code with franz...then met debora n vanessa...so we all moved in front to sit...
it was nt bad i think...but ur conception muz be right first...its all fiction...
then we played pool...walked ard tm...n went to the arcade...
it was nt bad la...at least there was a fren by mi when i was down...( even though i did nt tell him i was upset)
ok...i bruised myself again...so careless man...
i think i will continue wat i have to say in the nxt post b4 all i juz type dissappear again....
the origin.10:05 PM
Sunday, May 07, 2006
sunday 7/5
haiz...finally i found time to write about wat happened for the past few days...
actually a lot took place over the weekends...
on fri was sports day...
it started of quite well...my class girls took part in the 12x100m event...
we came in 2nd last...n i was actually quite sad...
as i was the last runner...i think i din do as well as b4...
i really dunno if i tried my best n i was lousy or wat...
but i hate the feeling of doing so badly...
then fabian was injured due to some home accident...
of course he din perform up to standard...but he did very weel too despite his injuries...
someone wearing spikes actually stepped on his foot as he was nt wearing any foot wear...
ya...
i kinda felt sad for him... so went to look for first aid n slippers...but i guess someone got them...
wanted to ask how was he..cld see tat he was in pain...
but i guess my pride kept mi from doing tat...
felt bad yet helpless...
then after tat...orange house aka hawk actually won the cheering compeition...
surprise..surprise...
we took some stupid n funnie pict...
juz b4 i left for lunch..
ya..a call made me started crying...
i dunno y oso...everything seems to go wrong for mi...
i get blamed for the smallest wrong tat i do...
so after tat i went staight to bedok reservior...n sat n stare...
i took time to think abt everything....
y isit tat i'm expected to be who everyone wants mi to be...
y can't i juz be free n be who i am...
y isit at i have so much to fulfill...yet am i capable of doing so...
at times i juz want to give everything up...
it juz as simple as going out for a meal n hangout with frenz...
can't they understand it too...
i used to like being at home...but then...ever since my everymove is critised by ur...
the way ur restrict mi...it has taken the tool on mi...n i juz dun like the feelin of home...
i rather be out..where i noe i won't be scolded of nagged at...
yet...
i noe ur are doin this for my own gd....
i noe...i want to understand too...
but i juz can't take it anymore...
i juz break down...
trng started n was venting my frustration by running...
was better after tat...then sarah n huiying asked mi abt fabian...
they saw tat he was injured...so asked how was he...
but not wanting to show tat i'm really concerned...wanted to show tat i got over it...
i juz told them wat happened...
they said i was very cold...like no feelings...
actually deep down i was very concerned...guess i wanted to keep up the strong image others have for mi...which i later confessed to sarah...
trng was tiring...went for 4k straight...
actually it was quite gd at certain times...cld see tat we are improving...
but isit fast enuf?? tats another qns...
somemore the womens national is next wk...14 may...
then we went for dinner...
got home tat night...ya...had an earful again...
got all the shit n things..
later in the nite..i can't stop myself n decided to msg him and ask how was he...
shld nt have done tat...
then on sat...i manged to go out for the class dragonboat trng..
but as usual...i got it from them juz b4 i went out...
really can't stand them...
had fun...we played a gam tat nearly made daphne cried...
but she mastered enuf courage to get into the water later...
haha...well done daphne...
then the class went for dinner...
which i din go..cos i got to go hm was usual...
tried to ask..but yah...usual attitude reply...
then on sunday was horrible la...got condemmed for everymove i make
from the moment i wake up till i dunno when...
sick n tired of it le...
doing maths revision...n finally i sort out my files...
haha...actually kinda slack...
but i'm aching from the consecative 2 days trng...
then tmr still got 2.4km...
hope i can make it under 12mins...
tat gd enuf for mi le...
then there is the sea carnival heats tmr...hai...
will be damn tired la...
okay gtg...if nt get nagged at again...
set mi free...
the origin.10:05 PM
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
wednesday 3/5
today is a hell of a boring day...
tutorials n lectures are so ineffective...din learn much today la...
somemore i took 2 periods to finish 2 qns on normal distribution in the morning la...
then went for pe...we skipped maths lect to eat...
ya...the gp lecture was so useful la...she talk so fact...like everyone can understnad wat she says
then ms khoo cancelled the last chem period la...weird...
since pe...mi n Ber has been trying to convience mr nordin to let us join the 4x400m
Ber really wanted it so much tat we went thru all ppossible ways to convience them...
yazid...nordin...yazid...nordin...yazid... nordin
we kept going from one to another lydat la...
then yazid also give attitude...irritating
then when fabian approach him he was so nice la...
pe teachers are all so mood swing....
actually i was looking forward to run tis race...
its the onli race where i think can win smth la...
then now we can't even take part....
rally damn disappointd la...
tis will be the 1st time i'm taking part in sports day n i was so looking forward to it...
but ya...so i guess i shall juz forget abt it...
the higher the hopes, the greater the disappointment
then trng today was ok...
din do much except rowing n weights....
very tired now... splin...
wonder...
the origin.10:42 PM
tuesday 2/5
hai...i feel like a pig for the past few days...
been at home slacking...eating...slpin...eating...
haha...yesterday had tution till quite late...n was tired...
haha...at least i managed to do some homework n study a little...
did gp essay n even some maths n bio...
then today in sch was damn boring la...
all tutorial...then my fringe was so damn irritating...
eventhough everyone says tat its nice...i still think it look funnie...
then i very self-concious...n always look away...
hopefully tmr will be better...haha
then today after sch did maths in sch...finally understood wat c.r.v
is all abt...haha...normal distribution?
then went to eat prata...taked abt alot of things....
i oso found out tat other houses actually carry out trials to select their 8 best runners
for the 8 x 100m interhouse...
then i dawn on mi...our house leh..
feng is the one deciding...i think is more like she choose who she wants to be in the team....
i dunno y...but i juz dun like the way she does things...
so baised...i mean is rite tat she picks fast runner...but shld be fair to the rest in the
orange house too rite...ya...
okay maybe i'm over reacting abit...
maybe u can see y....
anyway...i din do much work at hm...was stonning practically most of the time...
watch a bit of the tv...sounds alien...since i've nt for a long time....
haha...i'm tierd of myself...
honestly i'm tired physically n mentally...
it may sound weird...despite the weariness...i want to run...
i hope can run 2.4km tmr...want to beat my timing.
hai...kayaking has once been a part of mi....
now i wonder if it actually true...trng has become very slack...
alex is like i dunno wat he is doin...
the team is too bonded to know where is the line they are nt supposed to cross...
i dun see it in a bad way of course...
its gd tat we are bonded...but is really too close...
the vision of winning is fading for mi n sarah...
where has the zest n passion n determination to pressed on all the way...
i really dunno where it has gone to..
i feel really lost...
juz as there was a glimmer of hope...u took it away...
leaving behind nothin but darkness for mi to dwell in..
i hope tat things will get better ...
i really hope...
there are things tat are beyond one's control n its these things tat can drive a person crazy...
ok...really need to slp now...
all the best
the origin.12:12 AM
Monday, May 01, 2006
sunday 29/4
haha...on sat i went to cut my hair at far east with jy n xue fang....
waited damn long for jy la...
now i noe muz make extra allowance...if nt it will be a long wait...
haha...
but now seeing my fringe so short...its kinda weird....
nt use to it at all...haha...will see wat the others have to say...
then rushed to get some stuff n went for church....
got home n started slacking again....
haha...did the flowers for mother's day while watching para para...
on sunday morn...went out for breakfast then did some grocery shopping...
hehe...manged to rush for vanessa's bitrthday celebration at sherlyn's place..
it was quite interesting i wld say...
had to rush home to change for dinner...
we went to Spring Court for grandpa's b'dae celebration...
but everyone eas attitude there...uncle,aunt,even grandpa...
was kinda a mesirable dinner cos aunt left halfway...
i end up being the source of entertainment and also the one trying to clear up all the food....
we played a bit n the waiter laughed with us too...( he was kinda shuai)
haha...then waited for a hell of a time for a taxi...
finally got hm...
today yaya was very upset...she went to rebond her hair but instead they burnt her hair...
then had to cut half off...
she was crying n crying...
but wat happened was really unreasonable...if i had gone to the salon with her,
i think i wld have bashed up the hair stylist....i think i wld have gotten into a fight with her
but yaya is really feelin very upset abt hair...whish i can do smthin to make her feel better...
hai...common test is near...but i still can't get myself in the studying mode...
there is tis gp essay tat we have to write...but ya...lazy...
then still got all the maths revision haven't do...sian la...
haha...also i think i put myself i a horrible position...
was msging Gless abt the cannoe rental...
when sarah n jon saw tat i was asking him n not them...they started a scandle for mi...
they even told dennis to spread la...
so i'm soooo dead...
n ya...i still can't get myself to forget abt somethings...
really hate it when u treat mi like a stranger....
i dunno y...maybe its juz mi...i'm thinking too much...
sometimes i juz wished all tis never happened b4...
then i dun have to be so fan....
i juz can't get myself to get over it....
y...someone pls tell mi y...
okay..better go n slp now...tmr got to get up early
got to start doin work le...if nt will juz die when i return to sch...
a better tmr
the origin.12:51 AM
friday 28/7
today bio lect...jy n the whole grp of them pon lecture...
still nevermind...i went with sherlyn n the rest...
wat happend in LT1 was hilarious...
sherlyn n zhi xuan was fighting for seats...tat when sherlyn pulled zhi xuan
zhi xuan actually fell backwads on the stairs...
everyone in the LT saw tis including ms leo...
haha..like kids lydat...
after the next 2 bio lect...i rushed for trng...
saw jy's chiwawa at the bus stop...hehe...shuai...
then the seniors were discussing things...i dunno wat to do oso...
some seem to side with alex while others do nt...
feel so in the centre...
then trng was a a bit of a waste of time...as the girls had to go down first...
b4 we even stared we already have to save capsized ppl...
then when we finally got to the starting line to start...
b4 we even travelled 200m, out of 5 boats 3 capsized n of the remaining 2 one is unable to really help....
so ya...we spent quite a bit of time rescueing...
then we did dragon boating...was really tiring la....
then the guys on db competed with us on the K2...
haha...although we won, it was a very close shave...haha...
if nt paiseh....
then had to rush back to sch for runway...
haha...debora n pauline were fantastic...
overall it was nt bad la...
but heard about some irritating things tat took place...
abt someone being pain ion the ass...
ya...tats sbs...
dun really understand her la...
then the rest went for dinner atchangi airport...din join them cos was v.late le...
hehe...then chiwawa msg jy...
she was so happy la...
i feel happy for her too...
okay...very tired le....got to slp le...
tmr got to wake up early to cut hair...
the origin.12:32 AM
thursday 27/4
today is the match between mjc and tpjc...
mj even chartered buses to bring their students there....zai la...
tp was leading in the first half...but in the end we lost with the score of 2:3
was so sad la...the soccer guys really put in alot of effort....
life is still as messy...
talked to Gless and sherlyn today....
hehe...Gless treated mi to bubble tea so i saved $1...
tks Gless...
talked to sherlyn about choir...n she is really worried for her audition...
i hope she will do well on fri....
finally sherlyn also got to noe wat i have been so upset abt...
today i also saw alot of my frens from hai sing at tp...they all in mj mah...
as i was rushing for tuition din have time to catch up with sarah, sing yi and jie ying ...
but at nite i got to chat with jie ying...she was expecting to see someone...
but yah...i told her wat happened...
felt somewat realived tat i can juz relate the who story to her...
cos she is so far the only one who i have told the whole truth to....
okay...time to sleep le...
tmr still got sch...
the origin.12:16 AM
i AM myself
alicia ang
19 yrs old
28th July 88
smps, hscs, tpjc, SIM- economic n management
likes:)
swimming, jogging, cycling, bladding, canoeing
reading, listening to music, dancing
chilling out with my friends
tpjc canoeing team ROCK!!!
tpjc 05S04 ROCK!!!
SIM Dragons rocks!!!
dislikes:(
ppl who are nt straight forward
ppl who pretend to be who they are not
being the middle person
being taken for granted
being left out
**wish list**
to get gd A-level results (my foot!))
to have FUN
to get a job ( ntuc Lhub)
to get my driving licence (got it)
to get my bag (been wanting to do so since the begining of the yr)
to chill out with my friends
to go clubbing as and when i like(like its ever possible)
to get into uni( got into one)
to be HAPPY (it has been so long since i'm really happy)
my voice
taggie
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