Wednesday, September 20, 2006
i dunno wat to say...
Dear blog,
my eyes are sore from all the crying and i've ran out of tears...
its been a long time since i felt so terrible or even cried till lydat...
hai...
i totally screwed up the maths paper today...to top it off almost everyone felt tat the statitics part was do-able, and tat was the part which i practised damn hard for yet i could hardly answer the questions...
wat more can i expect man...
dunno y...i almost cried doing the paper...
but still i know better than to waste my time on tat...
u know life juz sucks big time for mi...i juz couldn't figure out wat is going on...n it is killing mi everyday...eating away the inside of mi...slowly and painfully...
felt tat i needed to be alone and so i sat myself down at the park and started talking to myself.
cannot bear the thought tat i'm alctually gonna flunk my prelims when i studied so hard for it...the feeling is really horrible...yes i admit i'm afraid of failure...but when i actually specifically studied for it...wth...i onli ask to pass all my subjucts...as in a clear pass with at least Cs and Ds is tat too much to ask for...i dun think so...
never have i felt like today...i mean even do badly also still acceptable tat kind...but yet today i'm so afraid of getting all Fs for all of my subjects...juz so afraid...
so frighten tat i can never pass my a-levels...
i'm really have problems coming to term with myself fairing so badly in exams...juz cannot accept tat...am i expecting too much of myself?
i dun think so...
dunno y well...this sparked off alot of thoughts...i think i've accumulating too much inside mi that it became overwhelming..
but still the fear in me is so strong that i'm really starting to hate myself...
arrh...yet the other part of mi is telling mi to stop all this self pitying...
stop all this crying and feeling bad all these nonsence...
i shlould be strong and pull myself up..i dun need anyone...
i can do it as long as i believe i can...show everyone wat i'm capable of and yes i can do well and tat i shld have a postive mindset and be optimistic when face with troubles...learn to overcome it and move on...
yes...i do think in tat way too...but well...
I hate looking myself in the mirror,
I hate knowing I have fear.
I hate seeing what isn't there,
I hate feeling that I am scared.
I hate believing what isn't true,
I hate believing and trusting you.
I hate crying myself to sleep,
Forgive me for I have dreams.
I feel left out and all alone,
With no one to call my own.
My eyes are red and I cry blood,
Please help me or I'll cry a flood.
My friends see what I let them see,
If they only could see the true side of me.
And as I die inside with pain,
Please don't think that I'm insane.
Cause believe it or not I have a heart,
That's been slowly torn apart
well tats mi...
the origin.12:34 AM
Thursday, September 14, 2006
been a long time since i last blog...
well...wats up with mi...
can't believe i'm actually bloging in the mist of the prelims...
i have come to realised smth...
the old saying 'u reap wat u sow' does not actually apply to everyone...
sometimes i ask myslef wat the heck do i study so hard for...
when i know tat i would do badly...
somtimes i ask...if everything is planned for mi...
y can't i know wat is the plan...
so tat i will not have to put in so much effort to seek wat will not be mine eventually...
there are even times when i wonder if this is wat i should be doing...
this is driving me crazy man...
to think i tried so hard...put in so much time and energy...
yet results are still not seen....
to think tat i even though i've not done enough...
like wat the hell is wrong with mi...
isn't it obvious enough that my hard work is not paid off...
prelims is juz like living through a nightmare...
it was really horrible...
to start of with it...the perneral paper totally sucks...
then came the chemistry paper 3 which i hardly had time to finish...
then maths paper...which i think i srew up...i'll be considered lucky if i can get 30 marks from tat paper...
as for the bio paper 2...it was the worst paper so far..
i mean like for the paper test and exam its always the essay part tat i do well in...
this time i barely completed 1 essay question out the 2 i'm supposed to do...
i juz cross my fingers tat the stuctured part is better...
by the time it came to chem paper 2...well...
tried to do all the qns...but still unable to complete the paper...
but really got no feelings already...
as for the rest of the paper..i think i'll juz sit through it...
anyway i'm numb to the dissapointment already...
in fact..i think the attitude now is juz to get over n done with
all this crap...
the results will be horrible...expected...
heck care...
wat can i say maybe i juz don't deserve to do well...
maybe after all at the end of the day...i'm nt the academic type...
ahh....dunno juz wat problem i have man...
can't hope or expect much also...
as the saying goes..the higher u hope the harder the fall...
if onli one can juz fall n die without worries...
i'll be the first on the list...
but tat is so not true...
i really dunno wat to do..everyday go to sch see everyone studying so hard...
when people around mi ard feel down or feel its not worth the effort
i always encourage them to juz keep trying...
the hard work will be paid off..
when even i myself can't do tat...
wat position am i in to tell others to be optismistic all tat...
can't believe i'm such a hypocrite
i think i'll have to correct my attitude...
but how long will i take...
who knows...
maybe a day..or a week...or a month...
all i know is tat i'm running out of time...
the origin.4:23 PM